I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
