I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Randomize
