i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
