I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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