i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
