So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize