I puked a lego.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
