My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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