We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
