It's like a parade of train wrecks.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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