mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
