He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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