Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
