i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
