Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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