I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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