Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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