8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
