hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
