I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
