One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
