I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I want to fling myself into the sun
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
