Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Who died my cat blue again?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
