I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
