youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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