I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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