the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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