i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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