I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
