I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
