All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
