Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Randomize
