If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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