...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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