piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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