I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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