booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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