your parents love me but you hate me
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
