Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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