I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
