i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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