dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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