i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
