Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
