i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
