Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
