Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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