I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I need to calm my uterus...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
