this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
