The maid of honor just puked.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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