A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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