i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
