I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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