So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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