There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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