A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
