I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
